My Infertility Problems
There are several reason why I decided to stop trying to have another child. This post is from my perspective and it may disturb many people who are trying to have another child. I am writing this from a different point of view than most people who experience secondary infertility. I have a child and was very happy with one child and felt as though that was really all I could handle under my circumstances.
Attention Deficit Disorder
I felt like I could only manage one child because I have difficulty focusing on multiple things. I wanted to be the best parent I could be and give this child the things I didn’t have. I feel that I was only able to accomplish my parenting goals raising one child. As the years have gone by I see now that mothers do most of the "heavy lifting" when it comes to caring for the children and creating a home.
"Done right, being a mom is the hardest job in the world" - Oprah
I realize that it's a generational thing because I see a lot more men stepping it up as far as family and caring for the children. So happy to see this trend. However, my generation of parents are still dependent on the moms to do the majority of the care-giving.
As I’ve gotten older and because of my ADD and my responsibilities as a mom, it’s proven more and more to be the right decision (for me) to have only one child.
I Didn’t Like Being Pregnant
If I’m being honest, it was not fun for me. Yes it’s true we forget the actual birth and all the pain but I remember the nine months prior. It just wasn’t something I wanted to do again because I just didn’t feel there was a valid reason. If I desperately wanted another child, of course, I would have gotten pregnant again.
Many people around me were getting pregnant and saying things like “well, I want to little Johnny to have a sibling” and I just didn’t really buy into that. I thought it would have been better to have another child because I really wanted to raise another child; not necessarily so that my first child could have a sibling. Which brings me to my next reason.
I had secondary infertility. I also needed help getting pregnant the first time. Secondary infertility is complicated. It can sometimes mean that since I’ve already had one child with my husband, his DNA (or something like that) is in my system and when his DNA enters my body again, my body reacts by killing it off. This is a very simplistic explanation for certain complications in nature. The doctor felt we needed to bypass our fluid exchange which meant fertility treatments.
Fertility treatments were very expensive and our insurance only covered artificial insemination. Basically, turkey baster style, injecting the semen directly to where it needs to go to meet the egg. I did agree to try that a few times but my husband stipulated that he could only do the procedure on a weekday because of his job. So, of course, the very first time I was fertile for the procedure, was on a Saturday. He said he couldn’t make it to the appointment. So I figured I would have him fill a cup with his semen and I would go to the appointment on my own.
However, during an argument between me and my husband the week leading up to the procedure, I had an epiphany. Our marriage wasn’t going to last…I knew this. We fought a lot and we were so disconnected that he didn’t feel it important enough to take a few hours off work to be present during the possible conception of our second child. I knew our marriage wouldn’t last well before attempting to have another child so why would I bring another child into this world, only to potentially raise on my own? It hit me like a lightning bolt. I decided at that moment that I would not go through with the procedure, or any others for that matter. Which leads me to my next reason.
My Unhappy Marriage
As I just mentioned my marriage was not going to last. I didn't believe for one second that bringing another child into my marriage would save it. We were not a good match from the start. With each year that passed we had less and less in common. We didn't see eye to eye on anything. We were growing farther and farther apart every day. It was just a matter of time before we were divorced.
We were two people on different life paths and those paths were going in opposite directions. I talk about my marriage in greater detail in the post “My Relationship Bloopers” see link below and let me know if any of it sounds familiar or if you had a way different experience.
The Pros and Cons of Siblings
I feel that I can speak to the pros and cons of having siblings because I had three of them myself. Siblings are great in theory but when I look back on my childhood, I don’t remember having any special bond with mine. And as adults, we don’t have a fondness for one another that you would expect from siblings. This could have something to do with our parents as well but having siblings for my daughter wasn’t enough motivation for me to go through another pregnancy.
To Sum It Up
There are many reason why I decided to have one child. Claire and I talk about her being an only child and she says she loves it. In all fairness though she doesn't know anything different so...
When she wants to be around other people, she hangs with her group of friends who love her like a sibling!
My heart is filled with love and I have all that I can handle with one child. I’m very happy being her mom. We have created a life of harmony, love, and respect. That’s all I could wish for in this crazy life of parenting.
I want people who are conflicted about the decision of having another child to understand it’s okay to stop at one. It’s your life and it’s your decision; likewise if you decide to have 10 kids.
How many kids do you have? What was your thought process when starting your family? Please share your comments below. Thanks!